As Au's language is too sophisticated for some audiences, he allows his personal servant Ellen Whyte to write the columns and the book in her own way. However, as Ellen has been invited to the NTV7 Breakfast Show today that runs from 830AM to 10AM, (you can see it online here now) Au has agreed very graciously to type his own message…
Helo reederz. i dont do intervoows ewesualee but aftur my big suksess Au Reveals All my feemale survant begged an begged an begged so i sed OK as long as yoo make me a hole rost chikkin. i am a verry kind kat. i no i spoil hur.
Although i am now famus bekuz of the feemale writing storees abowt me al the time, i live a very simpel life. i haf onlee two survants: the male and the feemale. Dey serve me 5 or 6 meels a day plus a few simpel snaks like ham or cheez wen i wan sumfing spesial.
I sleep on the sofa or on the bed or on the rug. Yoo kan see me sleeping in the pikchure. My onlee luksury is that i haf 3 kardbord bokses of my own. One upstairs, one downstairs and a small garden boks.
Although i like the simpel life, i heer that sum katz kannot get even one proper devoted survant. i haf herd of katz hoo DON EVEN GET MEELS SERVED ON DEMAND!!!
So tooday i want to share with thos poor katz sum tips on how to trayn yor hooman.
In this furst lesson we will diskuss how to get yor hooman survants to feed yoo wen yoo want it, not wen dey feel like it.
Hoomans ar stoopid so be payshunt. i dont believe in ewsing the klaw bekos it's kruel. Hoomans kant help not having brainz like katz. Insted, ewes purrs to enkourage dem wenever dey get sumthing rite.
Keep it simpel. Start during the day wen yor survant is awake. A good time is wen dey ar kwiatlee watching TV or reeding a buk.
First, rub an ankel to get attenshun, then look up, purr loudlee, say meow follow me, and take a step towards the kitshun where the big white boks with the food is.
Wen yoo start to walk to the kitshun, look behind yoo to make sure the hooman is following. If yor survant dusn't get the message, go bak and start again. Meow and purr until dey look yoo in the eye. Think food thots at them.
Yoo kan also be kunning. Purr nicelee. This will make dem want to stroke yor soft beeowtiful fur. Wen dey reech for yoo, step a little bit away. Wen dey half stand up to touch yoo, meow loudlee in praise, purr again, and take another step away. Always move towards the kitshun.
Yor hooman will then say sumthing stoopid like, what do yoo want then littel fuzz? Dont hiss at dem in temper! Remember, hoomans ar not klever like katz. Just meow payshuntlee, purr to enkourage, and walk dem firmlee to the kitshun.
Once yoo haf yor hooman in the kitshun, tap the big white boks where the food is with yor paw. Yor hooman will say, do yoo want sum food then? Again, dont hiss sarkastiklee. Dont klaw dem in frustrayshun. Praise yor hooman with purrs and meows for getting the messsage. Remember: yor survant kan't help being slow.
Important poynt: wen the survant puts down the bowl of food, remember to reeward dem. Rub an ankel and purr loudlee. This is not a waste of time but forwurd thinking: the better yor survant feels abowt dooing this simpel task, the eesier it is to get dem to repeet it.
Once yor hooman is trayned to get up and feed yoo during sun time, yoo kan start dem on dark time.
Hoomans ar funny abowt dere sleep. Start by wakening dem an hour before dey ewsuallee get up. Jump up in the bed, and follow the rooteen. Be payshunt but firm! Purr dem awake and then meow dem owt of bed.
If dey hide under the pillow, insert a paw and tikkel dare nose.
If dey kover dare face with dare arms, give dem friendlee enkouraging hedbutts.
If dey hide under the blankett, walk up and down onn dem.
A badlee trayned survant may throw a pillow at yoo. That's OK. Just stand round the korner of the bedrum door and meow from a posishun of safety till dey get up. Then reward yor grumpy hooman with ekstra purrs.
Yoo kan get bak at dem later for the pillow by waking dem at 1AM, 2AM and 3AM the nekst night, demanding food and then not eeting it.
I sed don ewse the klaw. I didnt say yoo shud spoil dem!
Katz Tales, Living Under The Velvet Paw is out in bookshops now. Price RM28 ISBN: 978-967-3035-64-9. For a free sneak peak and free sample story, visit http://www.lepak.com/katztalesbook.html
Au says, "buy the buk! Not only is it filed with wunnerful stories al abowt me but 10% of the feemale's share wil go to help owt kitties hoo ar living withowt the benefit of pershunal servants."
If you want to keep in touch with Katz Tales updates, here are some simple ways:
Subscribe to Katz Tales in a reader
Subscribe to Katz Tales by Email
Follow KatzTalesTweets on Twitter
For more cats, check out Gattina who hosts Cats on Tuesday.