Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Au Speaks Out: How To Trayn Yor Hooman Survants

As Au's language is too sophisticated for some audiences, he allows his personal servant Ellen Whyte to write the columns and the book in her own way. However, as Ellen has been invited to the NTV7 Breakfast Show today that runs from 830AM to 10AM, (you can see it online here now) Au has agreed very graciously to type his own message…

Helo reederz. i dont do intervoows ewesualee but aftur my big suksess Au Reveals All my feemale survant begged an begged an begged so i sed OK as long as yoo make me a hole rost chikkin. i am a verry kind kat. i no i spoil hur.

Although i am now famus bekuz of the feemale writing storees abowt me al the time, i live a very simpel life. i haf onlee two survants: the male and the feemale. Dey serve me 5 or 6 meels a day plus a few simpel snaks like ham or cheez wen i wan sumfing spesial.

I sleep on the sofa or on the bed or on the rug. Yoo kan see me sleeping in the pikchure. My onlee luksury is that i haf 3 kardbord bokses of my own. One upstairs, one downstairs and a small garden boks.

Although i like the simpel life, i heer that sum katz kannot get even one proper devoted survant. i haf herd of katz hoo DON EVEN GET MEELS SERVED ON DEMAND!!!

So tooday i want to share with thos poor katz sum tips on how to trayn yor hooman.

In this furst lesson we will diskuss how to get yor hooman survants to feed yoo wen yoo want it, not wen dey feel like it.

Hoomans ar stoopid so be payshunt. i dont believe in ewsing the klaw bekos it's kruel. Hoomans kant help not having brainz like katz. Insted, ewes purrs to enkourage dem wenever dey get sumthing rite.

Keep it simpel. Start during the day wen yor survant is awake. A good time is wen dey ar kwiatlee watching TV or reeding a buk.

First, rub an ankel to get attenshun, then look up, purr loudlee, say meow follow me, and take a step towards the kitshun where the big white boks with the food is.

Wen yoo start to walk to the kitshun, look behind yoo to make sure the hooman is following. If yor survant dusn't get the message, go bak and start again. Meow and purr until dey look yoo in the eye. Think food thots at them.

Yoo kan also be kunning. Purr nicelee. This will make dem want to stroke yor soft beeowtiful fur. Wen dey reech for yoo, step a little bit away. Wen dey half stand up to touch yoo, meow loudlee in praise, purr again, and take another step away. Always move towards the kitshun.

Yor hooman will then say sumthing stoopid like, what do yoo want then littel fuzz? Dont hiss at dem in temper! Remember, hoomans ar not klever like katz. Just meow payshuntlee, purr to enkourage, and walk dem firmlee to the kitshun.

Once yoo haf yor hooman in the kitshun, tap the big white boks where the food is with yor paw. Yor hooman will say, do yoo want sum food then? Again, dont hiss sarkastiklee. Dont klaw dem in frustrayshun. Praise yor hooman with purrs and meows for getting the messsage. Remember: yor survant kan't help being slow.

Important poynt: wen the survant puts down the bowl of food, remember to reeward dem. Rub an ankel and purr loudlee. This is not a waste of time but forwurd thinking: the better yor survant feels abowt dooing this simpel task, the eesier it is to get dem to repeet it.

Once yor hooman is trayned to get up and feed yoo during sun time, yoo kan start dem on dark time.

Hoomans ar funny abowt dere sleep. Start by wakening dem an hour before dey ewsuallee get up. Jump up in the bed, and follow the rooteen. Be payshunt but firm! Purr dem awake and then meow dem owt of bed.

If dey hide under the pillow, insert a paw and tikkel dare nose.
If dey kover dare face with dare arms, give dem friendlee enkouraging hedbutts.
If dey hide under the blankett, walk up and down onn dem.

A badlee trayned survant may throw a pillow at yoo. That's OK. Just stand round the korner of the bedrum door and meow from a posishun of safety till dey get up. Then reward yor grumpy hooman with ekstra purrs.

Yoo kan get bak at dem later for the pillow by waking dem at 1AM, 2AM and 3AM the nekst night, demanding food and then not eeting it.

I sed don ewse the klaw. I didnt say yoo shud spoil dem!

Katz Tales, Living Under The Velvet Paw is out in bookshops now. Price RM28 ISBN: 978-967-3035-64-9. For a free sneak peak and free sample story, visit http://www.lepak.com/katztalesbook.html

Au says, "buy the buk! Not only is it filed with wunnerful stories al abowt me but 10% of the feemale's share wil go to help owt kitties hoo ar living withowt the benefit of pershunal servants."

If you want to keep in touch with Katz Tales updates, here are some simple ways:

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For more cats, check out Gattina who hosts Cats on Tuesday.


Cheysuli and gemini said...

It is about time you were interviewed! After all, you are the star!

Boo-Bah said...

This was just so funny! I loved it. Cats are so wonderful. I just can't live without them.


Deborah Bie said...

Hi Ellen,

I love your articles. Never once I missed it in Weekenders. LOL. How's Target? Referring to your comment on 7th Nov, Umm, bad break-up? I would say, it taught me a lesson to see something which I haven't experienced. It's just a flow going on. The last stanza was about Fight Club which the character, Tyler had left some impact on my mind. LOL. Thanks for the message. :)


The Chair Speaks said...

Au's rit. Never use klaws and git the hoomans under your paws!

Gattina said...

Hahaha ! My cats would need an advice how to stop the male human to feed them all the time, each time a cat comes just for a little hello, he gets up to give some food and the cat isn't even hungry, lol !
Re Rosie, every morning I find a mousie in either the food or the water bowl, she keeps on doing it !

Cat with a Garden said...

We are going to start our mom on this training schedule RIGHT NOW! We hope it's not too late for her as we heard they learn more easily when younger.
Purrs, Siena & Chilli

Cindy said...

Wonderful interview! I'll have to learn this lessons to train my humans.
I can't let Rosie see your photo, though, too riskay.

AL said...

Can we treynn hoomans to slweep all dey wayl we werk in da keechen?

My tongue got twisted hahaha!


Julie said...

Great interview, Au. I am hoping Santa Paws will bring me your book for Christmas! Happy COT. :)

Bonnie Bonsai said...

Now I found you! Okay Ellen, can you please email me in this address please?

beaulah six at gee mail dot com in regards to buying your cat book.

i promised long ago that i would buy one and i must fulfill my promise.

a while ago, i asked luna et all if she's the one who writes the cat book, and here you are!

bedtime for me now, i shall return to read more.

please write a subject line cat book so I won't spam you.

thanks ellen.

We love Luna said...

It's a wonderful news!


We all want som rooost chiken too!
We likes howz you gets it! Wes puorrr
alot so hoomans surv us too!
We are your fans! :)

BeadedTail said...

Pawsome interview Au! We are going to work on training our hooman survants right away!

Irishcoda said...

ROFL, Au you need to write an instruction manual!

katztales said...

Bonnie: email sent...

You can buy Katz Tales in all sorts of book shops and online. Check here

Pam said...

That was too funny, Au! You need to repeat this to Sassie. She doesn't like food from the big white box. Only her dry cat food.
Peeve will eat whatever and has gotten your instructions down perfectly.

P.S. Sorry about not getting around to answering your question about sci-fi before now. I can barely get to the computer anymore! Arrgh!
The last sci-fi I read was called Rion by Susan Kearney. It is part of a series entitled The Pendragon Legacy. It's okay, but heavy on the romance scenes.
The publicists from Hachette usually send me mysteries, romance, and chick lit types of books, but no sci-fi. I usually just read what they send because that keeps me covered up!

Huffle Mawson said...

That is brilliant advice Au. I will start training my humans immediately.

~Covert_Operations'78~ said...

Dear Au,

Thank you for being so payshun with me last night and leading me to the kitshun big white box to get you ham. I liked it when you took the ham from my fingers. It was a big honour. Let's make a date for me to feed you ham and tasties again.

Anya said...

Je schrijft geweldige artikelen Ellen :-)
Je word nog eens wereld beroemd
Succes meid Ik gun het je

Kareltje =^.^=

Cliff and Olivia said...

Thanks for the great tips. We'll add them to the arsenal.

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fatimatuzzahra said...

loooove this article..my cats use to meowing me in d morning under d bedroom door to let them out of d house..sumtime they woke my lil gal too..if i ignore them when i came out of d room, hemihemi will jump on the window, lie on the glass,all 4 hands towards the outside of the window while looking straight to my eyes..i think thy're tooo clever...